A letter to my babies....

My dear babies.  I have written this letter in my heart a million times.  Most of those times have been through tears and crying out loud, hoping that one day I would feel different.  Our dear baby, I often times feel that you get glossed over.  You are not talked about because you were just barely there then you were gone. You were gone before we knew you existed and there wasn't much of a phase on our lives. I am sorry for this, but I promise you, you are never forgotten.


Our dear second baby, you were supposed to be IT.  When that test said "Pregnant" I was consumed with fear and yet every ounce of me was ready. I wanted so badly to be your mother.  I dreamed of the things we would do, the way we would raise you and I was so excited for the love I knew you would feel not only from us, but from the people we called family.  My pregnancy with you didn't start out great. My HCG levels never doubled and were never where they should be at any point. There wasn't much hope but I had hope. I kept telling myself that the HCG just barely going up was going to be enough, it wasn't.  I remembered the day I knew you were gone.  We were volunteering at a home building day for a local hero.  I started bleeding, which had been happening but something was different.  My heart fell and I just knew.  We called the doctor and he made the earliest appointment he could for us.  I knew before we walked in what he was going to say. There should have been a heartbeat in that ultrasound.......there wasn't.  I got up off the table, and we sat in the doctors office.  He went over my 3 options for what I had to do now.  I chose option 3.  We left the office, walked out to the truck and when I sat down, I could no longer hold it in.  Daddy held me and we both cried until I don't think there were any tears left. Every dream, every thought, every want, every fear, all gone in what seemed like a blink of an eye. YOU were gone in the blink of an eye  We had just announced we were pregnant I think a week or so prior to this, and I had to tell everyone.  This seems like such a stupid thought my dear, but I didn't want anyone to ask about you, I didn't want to talk about it anymore. Most of the rest of the day was a blur but I remember posting that we lost you and sent a few texts asking that people leave me alone.  I went back to work after that, like it was a normal day.  To be honest baby, I don't remember much of the next few days.  I think for my own sanity, much of it has been blurry. But i remember the physical pain and the emotional pain that was involved in the medical portion of losing you. It was more than I ever want to bear again.  Losing you my dear baby has left a scar on my heart that will never be healed.  Even now, almost 2 years later, I still wonder what might have been.  Your baby brother or sister is growing inside me now.  Every time we see him or her, I think about you.  You would have been a little over a year old now.  There is a song I listen to when you are heavy on Mommy's heart. Part of it goes like this:

 "There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this"

I was so stuck on that first part baby.  It was a constant reminder that THIS WAS NOT FAIR.  No one could have loved you more, no one will love you more.  Through time, prayer, many tears and lots of grace, I now understand this part: 

"I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you"

I understand this now.  I understand that you are in such a beautiful place.  That you have seen and felt love that we can only dream of until we are there with you.  I think of you playing with your brother or sister.  I think of you playing with your cousin from Aunt Kelsea. I think of you playing with my dear friends twins, of your aunt Jennifer's baby and all of the dear little ones that are with you. Little ones whose moms and dads are still here with mommy and daddy.  My heart still hurts, I still cry and I still wish for what might have been. One day I will see your face, I will hug you and kiss you and see you for what you are in all your perfect innocence.  We will never forget you dearest.  

My love.  You are currently 13 weeks and 2 days old.  You have given mommy a run for her money these last few weeks too.  We had been trying for you for what seems like forever, I took a test "for fun" because I never thought it would say yes, but it did.  We were so excited.  We told mommy and daddy's friends and a lot of your friends.  We were SO excited.  We spent the weekend in Ohio with your aunts and uncles. We told them and they were so excited about you!  When mommy woke up the next morning, there was quite a large amount of bleeding.  I was heartbroken, I immediately knew what was happening and convinced myself it was actually that.  I had to tell your dad and he just told me it would be okay.  I told him not to say anything because I didn't want to tell our friends that this could be happening. When we left Ohio, I called doctor to make an appointment. They started with lots and lots of blood work. This time my HCG doubled every time, this was a good sign. It was a few weeks later we got our first ultrasound of you.  The nice lady showed us the bean that was you and then we heard it, the miraculous sound that was your 137 beats per minute heartbeat.  We were never so happy to hear such a sound.  Every step has been wonderful, even though you have made mommy so very sick, in all honesty I don't mind.  This means that you are growing and perfect and we could not be more thankful.  You should see your dad.  He is so patient and kind and loving.  You are so lucky to have such a good dad waiting on your arrival.  He works so hard and loves you SO much.  You will never have to worry my dearest, because we will always take care of you and love you with every ounce of our being.  I promise you a life you deserve and more.  I promise you that you will always be our priority and you will never be lacking of anything in life.  There is so much more I plan to tell you but for now, know you are loved. Loved by us, loved by your Father, loved by our family and friends, my dear you are SO SO loved.

Love,
Mommy